On any occasion when you've imagined what life would be like in Antarctica, naturally the first questions that spring to your mind are things like, "What is the maximum speed I can fly my helecopter with my emergency blizzard-grade hut suspended underneath?" and "What is the classification given to iceberg fragments smaller than 'bits' but larger than 'brash'?" and "Are the egg omlettes in the pre-1970 emergency ration packs still edible?"

Luckily, the ANARE Antarctic Field Manual, published by Australian National Antarctic Research Expeditions (the science organisation which the Australian Antarctic Division exists to administer) contains the answers to all these questions (60 knots, 'growlers' and yes, respectively). It gives down-to-earth advice that is clearly written from years of practical experience in Antarctica, such as the section on how to divide the camping chores to avoid perpetual fights, e.g. the guy who has to go out into the gale in the middle of the night to re-peg the tent ropes can legitimately delegate pee-tin emptying duties on the next day, et cetera. It also dispenses vital survival instructions: how to build an igloo, how to traverse glaciers, and how to navigate given that (due to the offset of the magnetic pole from the geographic pole) the north-needle of your compass could be pointing anywhere between due west and north-east, depending on what part of the continent you are.

Naturally, if stranded in the Antarctic wilderness, the first priority after shelter and warmth is finding food and water. This leads to the surprise of finding an official guide to eating protected animals, reproduced & abridged below for your benefit.

12.3 EMERGENCY SOURCES OF FOOD

Under the Antarctic Treaty (Environment Protection) Act 1980 it is prohibited to kill, wound, capture or molest any native animal in the Antarctic except in 'cases of extreme emergency involving the possible loss of human life'. Under no other circumstances are you to interfere with Antarctic animals without a specific permit.

Penguin stew is palatable provided the external fat is removed before cooking, and penguin liver is excellent. Penguin eggs are probably best scrambled.

Do not kill [seals] in the water: even if they don't sink you will probably not be able to lift them out. Crabeater seals are the tastiest, but all are edible. The loin, tongue and heart are the tenderest muscles, and seal brain is said to be very good. Do not eat the liver. Seal fat is not good eating but makes a good fuel although producing a lot of soot.

Tomorrow: why this funny. Also, why it really isn't that funny at all.